So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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