Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
