Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
