I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
