I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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