So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
