hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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