I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Acid is not a monday night drug
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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