Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
