I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
