Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think a kid would responsible me up
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize