turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
