just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize