i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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