My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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