i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
