3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
