he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
