if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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