Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
