my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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