I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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