Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
