i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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