If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
