I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He? As in you personified your dick?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
