I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
