I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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