when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
