the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It was like giving head to a cactus.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
