he wants to bone in the snuggie
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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