seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just threw up on my dentist
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize