mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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