I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
