And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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