I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
