My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
