Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
