i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
