her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
