I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
