Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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