I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Michael Bay diarrhea
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
