Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
then he tried to convert me to islam
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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