My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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