He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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