so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
