Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
