kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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