I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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