If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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