i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
