there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
