And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
