I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize