your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
