When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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