I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize