Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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