Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is it penis luge time yet?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
