my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
