my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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