just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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